Noah Mk II
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before the rains commence and they will last for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but there was no Ark.
“Noah!” the Lord roared. “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the local planning laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to Planning Appeal for a decision.
“Then the Department of Transport demanded advanced payment for the costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting down local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the spotted owls – but no go!
“And when I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and violating their rights. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an impact study on your proposed flood.
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
“Immigration is checking the nationality status of most of the people who want to work, insisting that I employ Poles and Romanians and no-one from the British Commonwealth.
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
“To make matters worse, HM Customs seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.”
And the Lord took pity upon Noah. The skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
‘No,’ said the Lord.
“New Labour beat me to it.’