“I wish to complain…”
A congregant enters Canterbury.
Congregant: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The primate does not respond.)
C: ‘Ello, Miss?
Primate: What do you mean “miss”?
C: I’m sorry, It must have been the purple robes. I wish to make a complaint!
P: We’re closin’ for a peace march.
C: Never mind that, your grace. I wish to complain about this church what I joined not half a century ago at this very parish.
P: Oh yes, the, uh, the Anglican Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, your grace. ‘It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
O: No, no, she’s uh,…she’s evolving.
C: Look, your grace, I know a dead church when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
O: No no she’s not dead, she’s, she’s resting from explaining, from within the sources of authority that we as Anglicans have received in scripture, the apostolic tradition and reasoned reflection, how a person living in a same gender union may be considered eligible to lead the fl ock of Christ! Remarkable church, the Anglican Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful singing!
C: The singing don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead…
O: Nononono, no, no! ‘She’s resting!
C: All right then, if she’s restin’, I’ll wake her up!
(shouting at the cage)
‘Ello, Mother Church! I’ve got a lovely sherry for you if you show…(Primate flings open the doors of the cathedral)
P: There, the church is full of life!
C: No, it isn’t. That was just the weekly meeting of the Committee for Inclusive Investing and Ethical Condemnation of the Zionist Running Dog Presence in Palestine.
C: (yelling repeatedly) ‘ELLO CHURCH!!!!!
C: Now that’s what I call a dead church.
P: No, no…..No, ‘she’s stunned!
P: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin’ up! Anglican Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um…now look…now look, your grace, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That church is definitely deceased, and when I joined it not ‘alf a decade ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged process of listening throughout the Anglican Communion.
O: Well, she’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for more inclusive dialog.
C: PININ’ for ICLUSIVE DIALOG?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on his back the moment everyone left Lambeth?
P: The Anglican Blue prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable church, id’nit, squire? Lovely incense!
C: She’s dead as a door nail. Scripture is edited out and twisted, truth is relative, the pews are empty… P: No no! ‘She’s pining! C: ‘She’s not pinin’! ‘She’s passed on! This church is no more! She has ceased to be! ‘She’s expired and gone to meet her maker! ‘She’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘She rests in peace! If the buildings weren’t dramatic and retro-chic, you’d have sold them to put on a musical review and she’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Er metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘She’s off the twig! ‘Sh’s kicked the bucket, ‘She’s shuffled off ‘er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ boy’s choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-CHURCH!!
P: Well, I’d better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
P: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of faith and religion.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
P: I got social justice.
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it offer eternal salvation?
P: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother’s pet shop in Mecca, he’ll replace the religion for you.
C: Mecca, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Mecca, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it’s Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That’s inter-city rail for you.