Here we go.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
No. Where does Torah suggest you should do that?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I believe Sudan is the best place at the moment for selling slaves, though the costs involved in flying her out there might make the whole process unprofitable.
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
This is very simple. If a lady is sitting with her friends in an artificial environment, pretending to be enjoying life without a care in the world, she is wearing sanitary protection, filming a TV commercial and therefore menstruating. If not, then no.
4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to the Welsh, but not the Scottish. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Scottish?
Why would you want to own Scottish?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
If no brutal lynch mob is available within a two mile radius, yes.
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
No. I suggest pistols at dawn to settle the matter.
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Be gone mutant scum.
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
Painfully, and if possible, slightly amusingly at the same time.
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
As long as they’re not leather, yes.
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
Since Lev 24:10-16 refers to a particular judgement on a particular situation, it is not intended to be applied wholesale. That said, stonings are always more fun when conducted in a large crowd.