Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.
- Decaf isÂ DoceticÂ because it only appears to be coffee.
- Instant isÂ ApollinarianÂ because itâ€™s had its soul removed and replaced.
- Frappuccinos are essentially a form ofÂ Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
- Chicory isÂ Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.
- Irish coffee isÂ Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.
- Nitro coffee (coffee + Red Bull) isÂ Montanist, having a form of godliness but denying its power.
- Affogato isÂ Adoptionist, being merely topped with espresso.
- The CafÃ© BombÃ³n isÂ Sabellian, appearing at some points to be foam, at others coffee and at others sweetened condensed milk.
- The CaffÃ¨ Americano is a form ofÂ Unitarian Universalism, being so watered down so as not even to qualify as coffee.
- The CafÃ© miel violatesÂ Canon 57 of the Council in Trullo, â€œfor it is not right to offer honey and milkâ€ in oneâ€™s coffee.
- The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nationâ€™s gods.
- The Doppio (espresso + espresso) isÂ Monothelite, permitting only one will to dominate.
- WHAT IS AN EGGNOG LATTE I DONâ€™T EVEN.
- Half-Caf is another form ofÂ Adoptionism, being a hybrid of disparate natures.
- The PharisÃ¤er (drip coffee + 2 shots rum + whipped cream) is nothing but sheerÂ Antinomianism.
- The Red Eye (drip coffee + 1 shot espresso) isÂ Ebionite, for it would swallow up pure faith in the Law.
- A rigorist exclusivism for Fair Trade Coffee is a form ofÂ Donatism, insisting that only sinless hands may produce a true beverage.
- â€œCoffee is bad for youâ€: The watchwords of theÂ Iconoclast.
- The fellow who just keeps adding sugar to his over-roasted Pikeâ€™s Peak is surely aÂ Pelagian.
H/T John the Lutheran